My Letter to Oprah

Hope we get on, girls!

Most adult women make new friends through shared interests and experiences. My special group of wonderful women friends is no exception. What is unusual is that we didn’t come together over a hobby or a job, we speak to each other just about every day, there are well over 100 of us, and most of us have never met face-to-face. We came to know and love each other out of grief, longing, and frustration, and now are able to laugh, cry, and celebrate with each other. Some of my best friends in the world are women I met online after miscarrying my first child.

It’s an unusual circumstance, but I’m so blessed and lucky to have found this group. Miscarriage and infertility are topics that still aren’t talked about much in our society. Although 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, people still don’t know how to speak of it. The sad thing is, for many women, it’s completely devastating. I needed someone to talk with, to cry with, to find hope with. Many of us have wonderful husbands, but I believe that an intrinsic part of being a woman is feeling that loss more acutely than even the most involved father can.

I found these friends online, and I can’t even distinguish in my heart and head anymore that these are “online friends.” We are simply friends, and we have held each others’ hands, wiped away tears, and brought each other to our knees with laughter. We have waited and hoped together cycle after fruitless cycle, and celebrated with great fanfare at the birth of each precious child. We provide sage advice and comfort when parenting or life in general, gets a little too tough.

These women have known as much about my reproductive organs as my doctor. They know all the names we were considering for our baby, they know my favorite colors and foods and who I voted for, even though I’ve never hugged many of them with my actual arms. We don’t always agree, and of course there are struggles to keep the peace from time to time, but we are well and truly bonded by experiences that will hold us together in our hearts forever. The Women Of PALP (Parenting After a Loss) are an extraordinary group of girlfriends.

Talking is Fun!

Me: (asking rhetorically) Oh, Ainslie, what shall I feed you for supper?

Ainslie: Deedadee-aahs! (Quesadillas!) Boop! (Soup!)


Me: Can you say, "The duck is stuck in a truck, oh yuck!"
Ainslie: Guck guck guck. Guck!

And my new favorite--I was going to the back door to let the dogs back in.

Me: (Singing in my best gangsta style) Who let the dogs out?
Ainslie: (sitting in her high chair eating a pbj, shoulders moving funkily in time) Ch...ch..ch...ch Mommy!

Me: (laughing hysterically) Yes--Mommy let the dogs out!

We continue our gangsta dance party. Ch...ch...ch

Gloria in Excelsis Deo, indeed!

Ainslie loves the song Angels We Have Heard on High for the same reason I’ve always liked that song—the Gloooooooooooooooorias are fun to sing. I’ll sing that part and she’ll say, “More!” and then sing with me. Listening to her sing her ahhahhhaahhhaahhh along with me, the full impact of the Latin words hits me.

For so many Christmases, I was sad. Mourning the loss of our first baby, who would have been due December 8, 2001, then mourning the fact that we were still not expecting a child. Hearing the story of Mary being approached by Gabriel, being told that she was blessed among women was excruciating. Why couldn’t I be blessed too? Even last Christmas, I had just been surprised by a pregnancy, only to be disappointed again.

This year, I am so very grateful. I have realized that I AM blessed among women, and among mothers. I have this precious, precocious little girl, and I have time to lavish on her in her toddlerhood before that prayed-for sibling comes along. Once again, I sat in church during Advent near tears. Ainslie stood beside me on the pew watching the kids’ choir sing their songs, then watching the handbell choir, and of course, narrating the goings-on of the congregation throughout the sermon. The closing hymn was Angels We Have Heard on High—her favorite! Since we had been singing it in the car a scant hour earlier, I figured she’d be thrilled. Instead, she hollered, “No! BaaaaaBaaaa.” Translated, she was stating her preference for Baa, Baa Black Sheep.

Glory To God in the Highest, Indeed!

This is a democracy?

President Clinton lied about his sex life and got impeached.

This guy lied about why we went to Iraq, he won't get us out of Iraq (but that's another rant), he's instructed people to be spied on in many aspects of daily life in the name of Patriotism (which, of course, is something we were trying to 'free' the Iraquis from), he had to be goaded by a member of his own party to enact an anti-torture act, he basically denies that Global Warming even happens; and Nothing? No retribution? Unbelievable.

Don't get me wrong, I still loathe and despise the idiot, but now in addition to the anger, I feel so sad that our country is in his hands, and so nauseated to think that some people still defend his actions and refuse to admit he is anything less than perfect.

Finally, someone wrote a song with my name in it.

You know, there really aren't any songs talking about how cool or wonderful Carla is. There's Amanda, Sarah, Rhiannon, etc, but no Carla. Well, Ainslie has fixed that, sort of.

She is still on a big Veggie Tales kick. Dawn (or before) to dusk, it's Broccoli, broccoli, broccoli. She knows Bob and Larry and will now say them by name, but overall, it's Broccoli. She sings the theme song too:
Broccoli,
Broccoli,
Broccoli,
Broccoli.

To break things up a bit, I started substituting other words, like:
Ainslie Jane
Ainslie Jane
She's my girl,
Ainslie Jane

Ok, it doesn't rhyme, but after so many verses of Broccoli, you get desperate.
So, this morning, driving to Office Depot I get this:

Mommy girl,
Mommy girl,
Mommy girl,
Mommy girl!

Aw shucks, kiddo.

A new game for the Ellen DeGeneres show

OCD or Under 3?

Really, if I didn’t know it was normal behavior, I’d think it wasn’t normal behavior.

First, there is the ever-popular Move a Group of Objects From One Location to Another game, in which, as you may have surmised, the toddler transfers a group of refrigerator magnets, boxes of paper clips, baby blankets or Christmas tree ornaments from the refrigerator, office drawer, play area or Christmas tree to an undisclosed location, frequently the same wicker basket. There are some rules involved in this subtle game—
There must be no more than one object per hand at any time.
No adults may help or interfere.
If there is already something in the wicker basket, it will be unceremoniously dumped out as the game commences.
The game ends when the player decides it ends, or when she is offered a cookie, in another room.

Then there is the Baby Night-Night game, in which Baby (a doll, named Baby, of course) is put to bed, then put to bed again. And again. And again. Baby may sleep anywhere the Player chooses to lay her down, and apparently, can sleep through anything, even being plunked down on cold hard tile floors. Many (and I can’t emphasize this enough), MANY blankets are required for this game. Variations include Doggie Night-Night and Purple Bear Night-Night.

If these aren’t OCDesque enough, allow me to bring out the Big Gun; the Eye Obsession. We have this conversation AT LEAST 5 times a day, beginning first thing in the morning, during the diaper change, practically verbatim:

Ainslie: Mommy. Mommy.
Me: Yes, sweetie?
Ainslie: Eyes?
Me: Yes. Mommy has eyes.
Ainslie: Daddy eyes?
Me: Yes, sweetie, Daddy has eyes.
Ainslie: Lily eyes?
Me: Yes. Lily has eyes.
Ainslie: Mike eyes?
Me: Yes. Mike has eyes.
Ainslie: Melmeh eyes?
Me: yes, Elmo has nice big eyes.
Ainslie: Neenee (what she calls herself) eyes?
Me: Yes, Ainslie, you have pretty blue eyes. Everyone has eyes.
Ainslie: Goo Doggie (Blue) eyes?
Me: Yes, Blue Doggie has eyes.
Ainslie: Ilma (Wilma, the cat) eyes?
Me: Yes. What about ears? Does Lily have ears?
Ainslie: Lily ears. Da. (She speaks Russian. Da=Yes) Eyes? Eyes?
Yes, it’s funny, yes, it’s normal, but how much would it scar her if I screamed, “MOMMY CAN’T TALK ABOUT EYES ANY MORE TODAY?!
She knows all of her body parts, by the way.

So c’mon Ellen, bring me your best adult OCD’ers. Bring ‘em on.

Snow haiku

Oh, how I hate snow.
White then gray then brown slush-crap.
Piled up until March.

Thanks be to my friend Jena.

The 23rd Qualm

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness. He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office.

Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me. Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the pretence of thy religion. Thou annointest my head with foreign oil. My health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

How Many Fingerfuls in a Teaspoon?

I thankfully found out this morning, that there are many, many fingerfuls (or is that fingersful?) of Vick's Vaporub in a teaspoon. You see, after catching Ainslie going back for what I hope was only the second fingerful of the stuff in the humidifier well, I ran downstairs, typed "toddler ingest Vicks" into Google and got scared to death. Did you know that even small amounts of ingested camphor can kill a person? So, I posted for help on PALP, then called the doctor and poison control. Apparently, this is a fairly common occurence in the winter time...although there will be no more Vapo with Ainslie's steamed air. So, "if she ate less than a teaspoon she should be fine."

Well, a teaspoon doesn't seem like much to me. I could easily fit a teaspoon of say, peanut butter, on my finger. So--I grabbed Ainslie and a measuring spoon, went back upstairs, grabbed the offending tub of Vick's and started swiping. Phew. After several swipes, I wasn't even close to filling the teaspoon. I wish my hair would turn back now, and I hope I can get those 10 years added back on to my life.

I turned my back for a second.

And don't even think about the suction-thingy.

As much as it sucks to have to constantly squeegee snot from a toddler's face, it must suck way more to not know how to blow your nose. Poor girl.

My inner Scrooge laughed at this

My local FOX news team wished me Happy Holidays.

I promise I'll move on now.

It doesn't get old

Every morning, my summons to get up,

"Mommmmmmmmy" "MOMmmmmmmmy!"

Even when it's way too early, the sweetest sound.

One-third of a year staying at home

My good friend, a mom of three little ones, said it best when she told me that the hours and days go by slowly, but the weeks and months go by fast. Here are a few things I've learned so far:

* Time flies. It can't have been 4 months already.

* We made the right decision. Ainslie is just blossoming. She doesn't speak in complete sentences yet and I'm the only one who understands half of what she says, but I honestly understand her about 98% of the time. She learns words and expressions so quickly. We go to play group and classes and she plays in the kids' room when I go to Mom's Chat at church or to work out--so she is getting to play with other kids, but still be with Mom most of the time.

*Milk stains are hard to get out of couches.

*Dogs are great for eating rejected food hurled from the high chair.

* My house isn't any cleaner, mainly because we are in it so much.

* I get a lot done during the day. I'd get even more done if I could step away from the computer.

*I worry about money, but I am blessed that I don't really have to worry about the Big things. We can pay our mortgage and utilities.

*I am learning to be even more grateful. I'm grateful when Ainslie is whining that she is intelligent enough to express her displeasure. I am grateful that she has lungs strong enough to scream so loud. I am grateful, so very grateful, that she has the arms, legs, and ability to climb on every piece of furniture. I am grateful, when we are watching Veggie Tales for the millionth time, that she can remember which dvd she likes best, and that she knows the characters and sings along. Mostly, I am grateful for her, and the chance to spend so much time with her at this time in her life.

*Kids really do repeat every single thing they hear.

*Dragging all the pots and pans out at 7am doesn't really make for a bad day.

*Elmo is freaking hilarious.

*TV is not a bad thing, especially when winters are long and cold. Didn't we all learn a thing or two from Sesame Street?

*Just because a woman stays at home, it doesn't mean she can do crafts.

*My daughter is her own very special, unique person.