No More Thursdays and Something is Wrong With Me

Two titles for two posts, but they are related.

I'm done with Thursdays. No more class on Thursday, thanks to Thanksgiving and finals week. No more small group on Thursdays. This one is over, and really, I can't do another one for awhile.

That's where the other title comes in. I've had the nagging feeling for the past couple weeks that something is not right. I sometimes have trouble breathing. I've had insomnia for the first times in my life. I can't focus on one thing very long. Stress. I know it is, but I can't relax. I get even more stressed at the thought of nothing to do--which is really weird, because I could really use a break.

In my head, I'm at least a month ahead. I'm all but finished Christmas shopping, and the gifts are wrapped.

The Project That Won't End (or Begin) is in constant Hurry Up and Wait Mode, so I get all worked up, thinking that I have to get going on what I can, as quickly as possible, then, while we wait--I think that the house needs to be immaculate, all laundry done, meals planned and made ahead, etc.

Ridiculous.

I know I'm being ridiculous, but physiologically, something is off.

Two more weeks of class on Mondays and Tuesdays, and then we'll see. I know I need to be still. I know I need to listen. I know I need to chill.

Efficiency has always been something I've valued. As we were taking a final look at our values last night in LifeKeys, I had a mini-epiphany. Maybe I need to change my values? Maybe doing things quickly and ahead is not what is best for me, my personality, my passions, and most importantly, my child. Am I teaching Ainslie to never be still? (At the moment we're ok--she's chilled in front of Little Einsteins,) but it seems like we are always doing something, because I can't just Be.

In the group last night, we were also talking about when we felt we might put what we've discovered about ourselves to use, and that God doesn't necessarily mean for us to make changes Right This Minute. I said that I felt like changes are coming, and that I see things I want to do, maybe in a year.

My answer was by far the farthest away. Most people said within weeks. To me, a year doesn't seem that far away, and that scares me a little.

I don't feel sad. Or angry. Or hopeless, desperate or despondent. Just tense and frazzled. Think hummingbird on steroids.

We are planning on taking a vacation in January. Of course, besides thinking how nice it will be and how much we need to take a break, I get all tense thinking about where I will be on The Project by then.